Since You've Been Around
by FloatingAmoeba
Summary: Six months into their relationship, Lilly turned around and said it was over. Now, when she needs him most, can Scotty put his own hurt aside to help her?
1. Hanging On Too Long

**A/N** I want you all to look at the genres of this story – you see it says angst? Okay, I'm glad we've got that sorted. This story is based on the real situation of a detective who passed through my ER a few years ago, but that's all I'm going to say because I don't want to spoil anything in the story!

Oh yeah, and updates will be SLOW. This is the first story I don't have written ahead of what I'm posting, so you'll all be getting 'live' updates. It also means I'm more open to suggestions!

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title from Rosie Thomas, chapter title and lyrics from Duffy.

* * *

_**it was just my mistake, thinking you cared. it was just my mistake, thinking you'd be there, that you'd be by my side and that you wouldn't lie**_

He had to admit – Lilly definitely picked good-looking guys. A prime example stood a short distance away from him, all short blonde hair and pearly whites, gripping her hips and holding her tight against him with no room for manoeuvre.

"You keep grinding your teeth anymore, they're gonna fall out."

Scotty blinked, barely managing to tear his eyes away from Lilly, and felt his brow crease into a scowl at the couple dancing a few feet away from him. Already smirking at Miller's comment, Vera chuckled knowingly, shaking his head.

"You still fightin' that green eyed monster?"

"What?" the younger man snapped.

Vera held his hands up defensively.

"Yo, chill out, man."

"Keep your voices down. She's coming," Miller hissed.

Vera cleared his throat, shuffling towards his partner.

"Hey, Lil," he greeted. Miller smirked to herself.

"You must have been having fun out there."

The blonde detective smiled up at the man standing beside her.

"We were. You guys remember Jeremy, don't you?"

"How's life in the business world?" Vera said, extending a hand. Jeremy shook it, his free hand lingering at the small of her back.

"Day to day. It's good to see you again."

Lilly turned to her partner, giving him an uncertain smile.

"Hey, Scotty," she said tentatively.

"Rush," he replied shortly, standing up and turning to his other colleagues, "I'm gettin' a drink. You two want anythin'?"

They both shook their heads, and Scotty slid out of the booth, not bothering to acknowledge his partner or the man standing beside her.

Jeremy chuckled nervously.

"He still doesn't like me, does he?"

"He's just a little overprotective," Lilly ground out, glaring at Scotty's retreating back.

"Yeah, because _that's_ the problem," Miller muttered sarcastically.

The blonde detective stood on her tiptoes to press a quick kiss to Jeremy's cheek, smiling apologetically.

"Will you give me a minute?"

"Sure," he replied with a grin, rubbing a hand through his sandy blonde hair.

The force of her punch almost knocked Scotty clean off his barstool.

"What the **hell** is wrong with you?"

Scotty narrowed his eyes, standing upright and feeling inwardly satisfied when Lilly had to look up at him if she wanted to continue.

"Why are you acting like a...?"

"Like a what, Lilly?" he interrupted fiercely, "Like a jealous boyfriend?"

She folded her arms, steeling herself against his anger.

"You couldn't even pretend to like him?" she asked softly. Her heart broke at the pained expression that crept across his shadowed face.

"How strong do you think I am, Lil?" he replied in a voice no more than a whisper.

God, she really wanted to kiss him. Lilly cleared her throat.

"All I'm asking is that you at least make an effort. I'm not sayin' take him out for drinks, but..."

His fingers itched to reach out for her, and Scotty fought his hardest to keep them still.

"Does he even _know_ about us?"

"No!" Lilly replied incredulously, "It's none of his business!"

Scotty scoffed in disbelief.

"Right, 'cause it ain't right for your _boyfriend_ to know that your partner, who you see every damn day, has seen you naked!"

Lilly ran her hands through her hair in frustration.

"Look, we tried, Scotty!" she said desperately, "We tried 'us', and it didn't work!"

"No, Lil! **I **tried. **You** gave up!"

"I didn't give up..." Lilly attempted.

Scotty scoffed.

"So after six months, you jus' decided that you didn't love me anymore," he said angrily.

"Now you know that's not true," Lilly replied seriously. He took a step towards her.

"Do I?"

No longer able to stand the pain in his eyes, Lilly pushed past him, ignoring his growl of frustration, and moved swiftly towards Jeremy. Painting a smile onto her face, she looped her arm through his.

"There you are. Are you ready to go?"

He frowned.

"Already?" he said in surprise. Vera and Kat exchanged glances.

"You alright?" Nick asked slowly. Lilly felt her mask slip for a second, but then it was firmly back in place.

"No problem, I'm just tired."

Jeremy let his arm fall to her waist, smiling down at her.

"I guess that's my cue," he laughed, "It was nice seeing you guys again."

"You too," Miller replied, waving as Jeremy guided Lilly to the exit.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Vera chuckled.

"Man, Lil's gonna kick his fiery Latin ass."

Miller shook her head. "Damn straight."

As if he had known that his partner and her boyfriend had left, Scotty reappeared, a dark scowl creasing his brow.

"Nice going, hotshot," Miller snarked, "you always try and piss off your partner like that?"

Scotty shook his head.

"I ain't the bad guy in all this!"

"Neither is he!" Miller pointed out in exasperation, "He's just some poor _schmuck_ Lilly picked up as her rebound!"

He flexed his fist, digging his fingernails into the soft skin of his palm.

"Seven weeks seems like an awful long rebound."

Miller let out an angry growl. "Yeah, well maybe she just didn't think you were worth it!"

Scotty grabbed his jacket.

"Bite me, Miller. I'm out."

* * *

It didn't take him long to push all the furniture to the walls, just like it hadn't taken him long yesterday, and the day before that, and the...

Had she been there, Lilly would have yelled at him, informed him – loudly – that he was an idiot.

But that, he supposed, was the problem. Lilly wasn't there.

Scotty pulled off his socks, not caring where they landed, and tore the undershirt over his head. The air was cold against his bare chest, and he blew out a long breath.

The first jump was always the best, he thought. Feet leaving the ground, problems falling away because you're so busy concentrating on the jump, then landing. The masochistic pleasure of hearing your bare feet slap against the floor.

Scotty gripped the rope harder, his fingers turning pink and then white.

Pictures in his mind. Jeremy and Lilly, _his_ hands touching her, _his_ hands carrying her to the edge, _his_ hands stroking her porcelain skin as she trembled from the aftershocks of the orgasm _he_ had given her.

Scotty couldn't help it. He jumped harder and harder, faster and faster, ignoring the sweat that fell into his eyes and blocking out the blood pounding in his ears.

He lost track of time, so caught up in hating Lilly and loving Lilly that Scotty didn't realise how late it was until the phone rang. He dropped the jump rope to the floor, darting across to pick up the phone.

"Valens," he answered breathlessly.

"Scotty..." came the tiny voice, completely unrecognizable from her normal tone, "I shot him! I...I..."

Lilly released a choked sob.

"Jeremy...he's dead."

* * *

**A/N **I know, I know, I just left it on a cliffhanger. Hate me if you must. This was sort of a tester chapter to see what you guys think, so...let me know!


	2. Tears In The Rain

**A/N** Thanks so much for all the reviews for last chapter - I'm sure we've all heard by now that CBS has not picked up Cold Case for an 8th season. I'm also sure we all knew it was a strong possibility. BUT, as heartbroken as I am, it means my _other _Cold Case fic can be totally post-series. Excited, much? Oh yeah, and there is also a character in this chapter that may be a little familiar to some of you...

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title from Rosie Thomas, chapter title from Joe Satriani.

* * *

Scotty hated hospitals. He hated doctors, and he hated nurses, and he hated how they wouldn't let him into the room to calm her down.

He was waiting outside, staring in through the window as they held his partner down and stuck a needle in her arm, fighting away the memories that just wouldn't let up.

"Scotty."

Stillman's voice was soft behind him, breaking him out of his silent cloud. The younger man scrubbed a hand over his face.

"Yeah, boss."

"I need you to tell me what happened."

"Boss..."

"I need to hear your side first."

Scotty closed his eyes, sinking into the empty seat.

_The pool of blood on the floor, Jeremy's body in the middle. The smell of gunpowder, a freshly fired weapon._

"We were at First Thursdays..."

"Was Jeremy there?"

"Yeah. Lil an' me...we argued. An' then they left."

"Together?"

"As far as I know," Scotty muttered, "so I didn't bother stayin' after that. I was pissed off, an' frustrated..."

Stillman sat down in the seat beside him.

"What happened next?" he asked. The detective cleared his throat, a frown creasing his brow.

"I skipped some rope."

"For how long?"

"Until...until the phone rang."

"How long, Scotty?"

The frown deepened.

"Wait, am I a suspect?"

_Frantically getting in his car, not caring about the drinks he'd had earlier, just needing to get there._

"No," Stillman said slowly, "but I need to know everything."

Scotty blew out a long breath.

"A couple hours. Left the bar around ten, fifteen minutes to get home. Took a cab. Jumped rope until Lil called just after one."

_Her house in darkness. Taking out his gun just in case, finding the door already open. A cat streaking past him as he creeps further inside._

"Got in my car. Went to Lilly. Found her..."

_Passed out and curled up on the kitchen floor, all stark white skin and bright red blood. Her gun in her hand and an empty bottle of aspirin at her feet._

"What happened then?" Stillman pressed. Scotty looked up in horrified realization.

"I disturbed the crime scene..."

Stillman sat down beside him.

"Tell me," he commanded gently. The younger man cleared his throat.

"I didn't see Lilly straight off. It was dark, an' she was in the kitchen. He's just lyin' there, an' there's blood all over."

Stillman winced, having seen more than his fair share of fresh crime scenes to imagine the pictures in his detective's mind.

"Did you go to Jeremy?"

The sound of the elevator doors sliding open made Scotty's answer disappear from his lips, and he let his eyes close as three pairs of footsteps hurried in their direction. There was a sharp intake of breath.

"Jesus, Scotty," Miller said as she moved closer, "What the hell happened?"

Scotty followed the line of her outstretched hand, numbly observing the blood staining his t-shirt. He stared at it, then slowly pulled it over his head. The air was cool against his bare chest, but Scotty's attention was focused on the bloody shirt in his hands.

Seeing him falling into a daze, Stillman gently took the t-shirt from Scotty, balling it up and laying it on the floor.

"You alright?" he asked gently.

Getting no reply, the lieutenant took of his own sweater, letting the younger man put it on. Scotty nodded his thanks, watching as the medical staff left the room one by one, until only a single nurse was left checking the machines. It was a few minutes before someone came to see them.

She gave them a reassuring nod.

"Hi," she began, and Stillman noted that there probably wasn't much that threw this woman off her game, "I'm Dr Manning. I'll be treating Detective Rush while she's here."

Vera scoffed in disbelief.

"Yeah, right. Where's the doctor in charge?"

Dr Manning blinked, then settled into an easy smile. "That would be me."

Vera scowled fiercely, hovering protectively in front of Miller. "You're a kid."

"I'm 29, Detective."

"What did you give her?" Scotty asked, the first words he had spoken since the others arrived.

The doctor studied him for a moment. "Paroxetine and trazadone."

"Trazadone," Scotty echoed in a daze, "that's an anti-psychotic."

"Yes and no. We use it to control nightmares and other sleep disturbances. It will help with the panic and neurosis."

He took it all in, his face set in a stoic mask. Sensing it was her turn to continue, Dr Manning folded her arms.

"She's sedated now, and we'll continue our assessments, physical and mental, in the morning."

"Do you know what happened yet?" Jeffries asked. Manning hesitated, and realized too late that they could all recognize a non-answer when they saw one.

"Do you know how many pills she took?"

Scotty shook his head. "No..."

"Alright, well, we've pumped her stomach to get rid of the aspirin, and started her on a saline drip for hydration. I want to keep her overnight for observation."

Miller stepped forward. "You didn't answer the question."

"Because she doesn't know how," Scotty said quietly, pushing past them to move further down the corridor.

Dr Manning blinked once, staring at her patient for a moment before turning back to the group of detectives.

"How's she really doin'?" Vera asked gravely, hands hanging loosely from his pockets.

"Physically, she'll be sore from the stomach pumping for a few days," Dr Manning began vaguely, "Mentally? It could take a while."

"How long are we talking?" Miller demanded.

"Weeks. Maybe months."

They were silent, and the doctor watched as four pairs of eyes flicked from the woman in the bed, to the man seated on the floor just outside her room.

"Is there somewhere Lilly can stay? A family member?" she asked.

"It's just us," Stillman said sadly.

Vera was having trouble keeping his hands still, and sensing his inner struggle, Miller glanced at Stillman, then took Vera's hands in her own. Jeffries, looking uncharacteristically uncertain, rubbed a hand over his face.

"What about her and Scotty? Lilly isn't gonna respond well to men right now."

Dr Manning shook her head.

"I disagree. In Lilly's mind, she and Scotty have a far deeper emotional connection than she had with Jeremy. Since Jeremy is dead, Lilly may feel that connection with Scotty is the only thing left."

"So they've got this added experience tyin' them together?" Vera questioned, the barest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Manning glanced over her shoulder to where Scotty sat staring into space.

"You think your detective can handle being a grief counsellor, comfort blanket and emotional punch bag all in one?" she asked, and they all knew she wasn't really joking.

Miller nodded.

"For Lilly? He'll be anything you want him to be."

* * *

Scotty wasn't sure whether time was speeding by or dragging on. Realizing there was nothing they could do, Vera took Miller home, both of them anxious to get back to Veronica.

"You should go home," Stillman said. The younger detective shook his head, standing.

"I ain't leavin'."

"There's nothing you can do, Scotty," Jeffries added firmly.

Scotty nodded, trying to understand, but simultaneously feeling another fragment of his already broken heart shatter into pieces. Stillman cleared his throat.

"They think it would be in Lilly's best interests if she spent the night here. Under psychiatric watch."

"No way," Scotty said adamantly, "no. She ain't crazy."

Jeffries placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Scotty, we don't know what happened yet. She downed God knows how many painkillers, and is heavily sedated," he explained gently, "It's the best thing to do."

Tears sprang to Scotty's eyes, his bottom lip trembling under the force of holding them back.

"I can't, boss, not after..."

"Just tonight, Scotty. Just tonight."

He really didn't have it in him to argue anymore, so with a despairing glance through the window at his now sleeping partner, Scotty once again sank to the uncomfortable chairs.

It seemed like bare minutes had passed, but it was in fact hours. The male detective barely acknowledged his colleagues as they left. The digital clock on the wall showed the time as 3:03, and he suddenly felt a swell of gratitude towards Stillman and the others for coming out in the middle of the night.

Scotty barely glanced up as Dr Manning sat down beside him.

"You can go in there if you want," she pointed out, waving a vague hand at Lilly's room.

"Don't you got other patients?" he replied quietly, a frown creasing his brow. She shrugged.

"My shift is over."

"So ain't you got a family or somethin' to go home to?"

"Are you trying to get rid of me, Detective?" Dr Manning asked with the barest hint of a laugh. He shook his head.

"Jus' wonderin'."

There was a moment of silence.

"My husband's at home," she admitted, "probably letting our daughter wrap him even tighter around her finger."

The silence returned, until the male detective awkwardly cleared his throat.

"What do I do?"

Dr Manning smiled slightly.

"You be there. You show her that as dark as it may seem, there are people who love her, who want to help and support her. When she wants to cry, let her cry. When she feels like talking, listen. When she needs somebody to hate, let it be you."

Scotty sat in silence for almost an hour after she left, his head resting against the wall behind him.

Eventually, and he hovered in the doorway as he did so, Scotty entered Lilly's room. He let his body fall into the chair beside her bed, resting his elbows beside her arm.

"I'm here," he whispered, "I'm always here."

* * *

**A/N **I'm trying to get you all as confused as they are, but I promise the next chapter sheds some light on things, although most of you probably have some ideas already. Once again, I'd love to hear what you guys are thinking, so leave a review if you have a chance!


	3. Pieces Don't Fit Anymore

A/N This chapter sheds some light on what happened, but part of me hopes the confusion remains, LOL! It's also been pointed out that in this situation, it's gonna be real difficult for Scotty and Lilly, what with all their personal demons. I'm taking that on board, and it will definitely be a hard time for both of them. Thanks for the continuing support - I really appreciate every piece of feedback! :]

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title from Rosie Thomas, chapter title and lyrics from James Morrison.

* * *

_**such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin. w****ell i'll hide all the bruises, i'll hide all the damage that's done**_

She had awoken to the soft breathing of the man asleep in the chair beside her and had panicked.

Lilly really hadn't meant to freak out on Scotty like she had. Now he'd disappeared, leaving her alone in the hospital room, and she couldn't get the picture of his terrified face out of her head. Dr Manning gave her a sideways glance, her attention barely leaving the task of replacing the drip.

"He'll come back," she said calmly.

The blonde detective shrugged, but before she could answer, the sound of footsteps echoed outside her door. She glanced up at the tap at her hospital room door, breathing out a sigh of relief when Miller nudged it open. Lilly hugged her knees to her chest.

"I need to get out of here."

Dr Manning stifled a sigh. Miller moved closer, dropping a bag to the bed.

"Sorry," she said apologetically.

"Do you have my badge?" Lilly asked distractedly. Miller shook her head.

"No, Lil, I can't..."

"Because I can't work without my badge. Does Boss have it?"

"I don't know," Kat replied.

Lilly reached for the bag. Seeing the bruises on her wrists just as a sharp ache spread through her whole body, she let out a cry of pain. Kat flinched.

"You...I...I'll wait outside."

She let the door shut behind her, loud against the now silent room. Dr Manning pulled a pair of cotton pyjama pants out of the bag, handing them to Lilly before turning away so her patient could change.

"Lilly, we need to talk about what Jeremy did," she began eventually. Lilly shook her head fiercely, barely managing to get her fumbling fingers to work.

"Nothing happened, okay? I really need to get out of here."

"Nothing happened? I have bruises and other evidence that suggest otherwise."

Lilly shot a scared glance over her shoulder, struggling with the elastic of the pyjama pants.

"What are you doing?" Dr Manning asked gently. Lilly shook her head, trying to clear her mind from the haze of medication.

"I have to get back to work. We have a case from '67. Gotta talk to Boss..."

"I can't let you leave, Lilly," Manning said.

The detective shook her head, a lump rising in her throat and tears pricking her eyelids.

"But I need to go home. I have to feed my cats!"

"Lilly, I need you to calm down, okay? We'll get you out of here as soon as possible, but you're pushing a fever of 102 and I can't let you go."

Suddenly exhausted, Lilly collapsed back on the bed, hanging her head and no longer bothering to fight the tears.

"Why?" she whispered.

"Are you ready to talk about it?" Dr Manning asked softly, knowing it was a stupid question but needing to ask it anyway.

Turning onto her side and hugging her arms to her chest, Lilly stared at her bruised wrists.

"It all happened so fast," she whispered.

Miller, who had just stepped back into the room, felt herself falter, unused to hearing the blonde sounding so uncertain.

"Whatever you remember is great, Lil," she said gently.

Lilly shook her head, confused at the memories building behind her eyes.

"We left the bar. I was mad at Scotty. Jeremy...we fought, and then...he wanted to...I said no..."

Dr Manning reached out to lay a careful hand on the blonde detective's arm.

"Lilly, did he rape you?"

Lilly felt the tears coming, but couldn't have stopped them even if she wanted to. Her bottom lip crumpled, and she nodded.

"He pinned me down, and I tried to throw him off, but he was too strong. He wanted to know if I thought about Scotty when we had sex," she sobbed.

Manning nodded, feeling a dull coat of pain settle heavy in her chest.

"Do you need anything?" she asked gently, content to let the story settle into nothingness. Lilly shook her head, looking away as she tried to control the tears.

Scotty tapped on the door. All three women turned to look at him, before Miller glanced questioningly at the blonde detective. His partner slowly shook her head, wiping the tears from her face, and Miller sent him an apologetic smile, sliding off the bed to go to him.

"Don't take it personally," she said, shutting the door behind her.

The smallest hint of a smile tugged at his lips.

"No worries," he reassured, and handed her a paper bag, "Blueberry muffin. She won't eat hospital food."

"You staying around?" Miller asked. Scotty shrugged.

"Ain't got anywhere else to be."

"They're discharging her tonight, right?"

He nodded, looking through the window and watching Lilly do her very best to avoid him. When Dr Manning closed the blinds, mouthing an apology, he reluctantly turned away.

"I'll drop a bag o' clothes by for Lil later. Then I'm headin' over to her place, see what I can do."

Miller shifted uncomfortably. "Look, Scotty. I know everybody's expecting Lilly to stay with me until...but I just don't have room, and..."

His jaw tightened.

"What are you sayin'?"

"I'm saying that I'm sorry. I love Lilly, but I already got two people living in a space barely big enough for one," Miller explained.

Scotty's lip turned up in an angry sneer.

"So what, she's just gonna have to go back to the same place where he...?"

"No," she interrupted, "You have a spare room. And she knows your place, right?"

"Not gonna happen, Kat," he said, his tone not leaving room for contradiction, "I already took care of one woman I love when she was losin' control, I ain't doin' it again!"

Footsteps echoed down the corridor behind them, and both detectives turned their heads to see Stillman approaching, a frown set firmly in place.

"What's going on?"

"Lilly can't stay with me," Miller said, tossing a quick glare at Scotty, "For various reasons."

"An' I don't think stayin' wit' me is gonna help either of us. 'Specially not after Elissa."

"Look, Scotty," Stillman began, "I know how you must be feeling, but Lilly needs you."

"But what about me?" he yelled, "What am I supposed to do if she's scared o' me? How am I supposed to comfort her, when all she can think about when I'm close to her is whether I'm gonna hurt her or not? What if when I touch her, all she can think about is him?"

"Suck it up, Scotty," Miller shot back, "Be a man. You're just scared to let her in again in case she breaks your heart again."

"Yeah, an' that's such a crazy thing to be scared of, right?"

"Keep your voices down," Stillman hissed, glancing over his shoulder.

Scotty let out a long breath.

"Look, if you're sayin' there ain't no other answer, fine. But I don't gotta..."

"Scotty?"

At the voice from the bed, the trio turned into the doorway, having previously assumed she was asleep. Lilly's eyes were still closed, and the two men blinked in surprise at the first words she had spoken to anyone other than Miller. Scotty flinched, realizing she had probably heard their conversation, and uncertainly stepped into the room.

He stopped a foot away from her.

"I'm here," he replied, his voice cracking.

"I know you don't want me to stay with you," she said softly, "but they're letting me out of here in a few hours, and I don't have anywhere else to go."

She was shivering violently, her small body shaking beneath the blankets. Scotty sat in the chair beside her, hearing the hitch in her breathing at his close proximity.

"Are you sure?" he asked gently, "'cause I ain't."

"I can't go...back there," she said, fighting to control the waver in her voice, "and I still have clothes at your place, right?"

He gave a slow nod, cautiously letting one of his fingers touch hers. When she didn't move her hand, he let his fingers gently hold hers, and felt the familiarity of that simple touch soothe the worry lines creasing her forehead.

Miller leant close to him.

"You still keep her clothes at your place?" she asked in confusion, "Even after you broke up?"

Scotty shrugged. "I was optimistic."

* * *

Scotty knew that letting her back into his apartment was a bad idea the moment Lilly headed straight for the bathroom.

"Where are you goin'?" he called after her. She paused, looking back over her shoulder.

"I need to...I haven't..."

Scotty nodded. "You need anythin', you know where it is, right?"

The door was already shut. He tried to pretend he hadn't heard the muted sobs from the bathroom. He had tried to ignore the pained whimper and the running water that drowned out her cries. He knocked on the bathroom door.

"Lil, it's me," he said quietly. No answer.

Scotty waited a few moments before knocking again, harder this time as water began to seep under the door, "Lilly, open the door."

There was silence from the other side, broken only by the water surging from the tap. Urgently hammering on the wood, Scotty tried to force it open, finding it locked.

"Lilly!" he shouted frantically, punching the door.

Water continued to pour out from beneath the doorframe, soaking his bare feet and the bottom of his jeans. After three tries at kicking it in, the door gave way, and the male detective stopped short. Lilly sat in the bathtub, her knees hugged to her chest, water overflowing onto the tiles. Only wearing her underwear, her skin was almost translucent, a pale blue that made Scotty fight the urge to vomit.

"Lilly?"

Moving closer, he turned off the tap, and stuck his hand into the ice-cold water.

"I'm gonna get you out of here, OK?" he said gently. Lilly just stared straight ahead, the only sign that she was still alive coming when his hands finally made contact with her frozen skin.

Seeing her flinch, Scotty hesitated.

"I have to get you out of the cold, Lil," he reminded softly.

Water spread across the floor, out into the corridor, more of it overflowing as Scotty lifted her out of the bath.

Lilly was barely breathing, her whole body shivering. Hastily wrapping her in his bathrobe, Scotty carried her into the bedroom, placing her under the covers and bundling them around her.

He lay down on the bed behind her, hearing her soft sob when the bed dipped. Scotty curled up against her back, and when his partner began to tremble fiercely, he wrapped his arms around her.

Lilly's sobs increased as the male detective pulled her back against him, his leg going over hers and his forehead tucking into the curve of her shoulder. His partner pushed at his hands, desperately trying to fight him off, but Scotty refused to let go.

"I ain't gonna hurt you," he whispered, "I ain't gonna hurt you, Lilly."

Her body shook until finally, all the energy just disappeared, and she fell limp in his arms. A heavy sigh tore through her.

"Cold," she said, her voice almost inaudible. Slowly letting go of her, Scotty paused, waiting to gauge her reaction, then reached for the comforter at the foot of his bed. He set it over her, tucking it around her neck and shoulders.

"Better?"

At her slow nod, Scotty lowered himself back to the bed beside her, gently making sure her whole body was covered.

"Do you want somethin' to eat?"

A shake of her head, sad blue eyes meeting his for a brief second.

"If you need anythin'," he murmured when he stood up, "you know where to find me."

Scotty rubbed a hand over his face, hesitating in the doorway.

"Did you love him?" he asked quietly. Lilly thought for a moment.

"Yes," she replied eventually.

"How much?"

"Enough."

He paused.

"As much as you love me?"

There was no reply.


	4. Till The Sun Turns Black

A/N So I did say updates would be slow...and I know there's been some confusion over Dr Manning. I tend to recycle names in my stories, but this character has nothing to do with Ellie Manning from 'Somebody Like Us'. Sorry.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title from Rosie Thomas, chapter title and lyrics from Ray LaMontagne.

* * *

_**living loving violently, every breath it takes eternity, ****till the sun turns black**_

He'd awoken at 3am to the sounds of crying from his living room. Going to her, Scotty did nothing but set a glass of water in front of her and drape a blanket around her shoulder, not wasting his breath on pathetic reassurances that probably wouldn't help.

With a gentle squeeze of her shoulder, and ignoring her flinch, he got through the shower as quickly as possible. It wasn't like he'd be going back to sleep any time soon.

Pulling a clean t-shirt over his head, Scotty called her name, not really expecting her to answer. He cleared his throat, and Lilly lifted her eyes to his as he stepped into the living room.

"You gotta take these," he said.

On the sofa, Lilly sat up. She prodded the bruised and tender area around her eye, until Scotty gently caught her hand.

"Don't poke it," he said in frustration.

"Sorry," she whispered.

Sighing heavily, Scotty handed her a plastic cup with a few pills in the bottom.

"Take them," he said, his nose brushing against her ear. Lilly flinched, and he backed away, cursing himself for not realizing how close he was.

"What are they?"

"Take them."

"I don't want them," Lilly said softly, a hitch present in her voice.

"They'll help, Lil. I promise."

"But they make me forget, Scotty. They make everything blurry."

He nodded, pressing the pills into her palm, and turned her so that he could see.

"Take them."

Her scared eyes never left his as Lilly reluctantly took the pills in her mouth. She shuddered, but reached for the glass of water nonetheless. Nodding, Scotty stood up to leave, but found a cold hand clutching at his.

"Just...stay."

"I ain't leavin'," he replied as he sat back down, hoping she realized he didn't only mean then – now she was here, despite his initial doubts, he wasn't letting her go.

Scotty held her until the pills had done their job. He pulled her upright, her unconscious body limp against him. Waiting to see if she would stir, the male detective lifted her from the sofa.

"I didn't mean to," she whispered in her sleep, sounding close to tears, "I didn't mean to."

Scotty carried her through to his bedroom, gently laying her down on the bed. Lilly jerked, her whole body stiffening.

"No, Jeremy...no, no...please..."

And then she fell silent, a frown creasing her brow as she turned her face into the pillow.

Scotty closed his eyes, sinking to the floor and leaning back against the bed. When he spoke, his voice was a hoarse whisper, the words catching in his throat.

_"Lord, without you we can do nothing. By your spirit, help us to know what is right, and be eager..."_

* * *

It was later that Scotty realized maybe Lilly didn't want to be fixed. Maybe she was content to struggle on in whatever dark world she'd taken shelter in.

"He coulda killed you!" Scotty yelled, "Don't you get that? He could have killed you!"

"And don't you think I'd be better off?" she screamed.

There was silence.

Scotty stared at her in shock, feeling tears prick his eyelids.

"Do I think you'd be better off dead?" he echoed quietly, his voice shaking, "What kinda question is that?"

Lilly pressed the heel of her hand to her forehead, closing her eyes.

"I didn't mean that," she whispered.

"You sure?" Scotty replied quickly, taking a step closer. She hugged her arms around her, tears falling down her cheeks.

"It's...I'm...I don't know what you want from me."

"I don't want anythin' from you."

At the flash of hurt that shot through her eyes, he sighed heavily.

"We did that, Lil, an' look where it got us," Scotty said quietly. He held her face between his hands, thumbs wiping away the tears until Lilly had no choice but to look at him.

"You gotta do whatever you need to do to get through this," he said quietly, "but you have to promise me somethin'."

Lilly nodded slowly, surprisingly calm at the feel of his touch. Scotty swallowed hard.

"Promise me you ain't gonna..."

The words caught, and Lilly swear she saw his heart break. He took a deep breath.

"Promise me you won't give up," he whispered, "Promise me that you'll still be here tomorrow, an' the day after that, an' in four hundred tomorrows."

Her eyes widened at the realization of what he was really trying to ask.

"I promise," she replied.

And as Scotty disappeared, leaving her alone, Lilly realized that she meant it.

* * *

Scotty frantically hammered the number into the phone. After a moment, a man's voice came on the line.

"Hello?"

"I need to talk to Dr Manning," Scotty stammered.

"Who is this? It's three in the morning."

"Please, I really need..."

"Listen, asshole. Our daughter is barely sleeping for more than five hours, so I'd..."

A brief shuffle of the covers and then a sleepy female voice.

"...go back to sleep, Kerr. Scotty?"

"Doc, she's freakin' out! What am I supposed to do?"

Dr Manning sat up in the bed, ignoring the disgruntled moan from her husband beside her.

"What kind of freaking out, Scotty?"

"She's been trapped in this...this nightmare for hours, an' I can't wake her up!"

"Don't, Scotty," the doctor warned sharply, "Don't wake her."

"But..."

"I know it's hard, but trust me. Do not wake Lilly up."

He lasted twenty minutes.

Sitting down on the bed beside her shaking form, Scotty rested a hand on her thigh.

"Lilly!"

It was like the touch of his palm against her bare skin was all Lilly needed to implode. She shot out of the bed, her palms flat against the wall behind her.

"What are you doing?" she demanded in a shaky voice. Scotty stood up, holding his hands out.

"Lil, it's jus' me..." he soothed, reaching towards her.

"Don't touch me!" she screamed.

Then everything seemed to happen at once. Watching her arm fly out to catch his cheek, Scotty lost his balance, falling into the dresser. His head met the wood with a resounding crack, and the world started to go black.

"Lilly..."

* * *

"Scotty?"

"It's open," he called, holding a bloody rag to his head. Stillman walked in, Vera and Miller behind him, all three wearing identical expressions.

"What happened?" the lieutenant asked seriously. Scotty shook his head, wincing at the ache.

"She just...snapped," he said quietly, "I woke up an' she was gone. Called you."

Miller looked at her watch.

"How long has she been out?" she asked in concern.

"About four hours, I reckon."

"You know where she went?"

Scotty shook his head, eyeing Vera warily as he sat down on the coffee table in front of him.

"Let me see," he muttered, pulling the rag away from Scotty's head. There was a collective intake of breath.

"What did she do? Hit you with a crowbar?"

Scotty shrugged miserably.

"It happened so fast...I fell, hit my head."

Miller, having ducked into the kitchen for a clean towel and some water, nudged Vera aside to take his place.

Dipping the corner of the towel in the water, she gently wiped away the blood, ignoring his flinch but barely managing to hide her own at the cut on his temple.

Hearing a loud clunk from outside his apartment, Scotty breathed a sigh of relief. Vera moved to open the door, and Lilly stumbled in, colliding with the wall. Two bottles of whisky, one already empty, the other half-gone, swung carelessly from her hand. She blinked at the sight of them all in the living room.

Her eyes flicked to Scotty's, darting to the angry wound on his temple.

"Did I do that?" she whispered, a lone tear breaking free.

At the silence that greeted her, Lilly raised the bottle to her lips and then released a choked sob, stumbling down the hall to the bedroom. Scotty winced at the slamming of the door.

"She's drinking?" Miller asked. He stared into space, his eyes not really seeing anything.

"Looks that way."

"You should go in there," Vera pointed out.

"Why?"

"Because..." the burly detective continued uncertainly.

"How much has she had to drink?" Stillman interrupted.

"I don't know. But I ain't takin' away the alcohol," Scotty snapped.

"Why not?" Stillman demanded.

"'Cause I'd rather have her passed out drunk than awake an' wishin' she wasn't!" the younger detective yelled.

The muscle in Stillman's jaw tightened angrily.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Scotty."

"Yeah, well that makes two of us," he shot back.

"Lilly really needs somebody..."

"You think I don't know that? You think I ain't aware o' how broken she is? I **love** her!"

Stillman spun around.

"Yet you're just sitting there?" he snapped incredulously. Taking a deep breath to control his temper, Scotty shrugged.

"She ain't gonna do anythin' stupid."

"You know that for sure?" Vera questioned doubtfully. Scotty nodded.

"She promised."

The lieutenant scoffed in disbelief.

"Oh, well that's alright then. As long as she promised, that's okay."

"Hey," Scotty said angrily, "I'm doin' my best. I told you that I didn't think lettin' her stay here would help, so you better jus' back off, alright?"

Miller fought a groan as the two men squared up to each other.

"Remember who you're talking to, Valens," Stillman warned.

"Enough!" Kat said sharply, placing herself between them, "For God's sake, grow up."

Scotty turned away, running his hands through his hair. His female colleague touched him gently on the back.

"I know you know Lilly needs you. And I know you know it's not going to be easy, but we're just trying to help, okay?"

He nodded slowly, glancing at her. "Thanks."

Shaking his head, Stillman walked down the hall, the tightness in his shoulders a clear sign of his frustration.

Scotty waited until all three had disappeared into the elevator before shutting his own door. Heading straight for the bedroom, Scotty opened the door, and was immediately hit by the smell of vomit from the bathroom and stale alcohol and Lilly. He moved towards the bed, taking the empty whisky bottle from the crook of her arm and standing it on the floor.

"Scotty..." the blonde detective murmured, her voice husky from the alcohol and by far the sexiest thing he had ever heard.

"Hey, Lil."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For being such a screw up."

She rolled onto her back, her body bent at the middle to form a crooked 'S'.

"I never meant to let you down," she continued with a sad smile, her eyes shut against the world. Scotty shook his head, pulling the sheets up over her small body.

"You never let me down. Not once."

There was silence for a while.

"Scotty?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"I think I'm ready to get up now."

He ran a hand through her hair. "Right now?"

Lilly laughed sadly, turning her face into the pillow.

"Maybe tomorrow," she giggled, her breath hitching as she struggled with tears, "Maybe tomorrow..."


	5. You Could Be Happy

A/N I knew where I needed to start, and I knew where I needed to end. Everything in the middle is rap with a c. So this chapter is a pile of total nonsense that I threw together because I felt bad for making you wait. Sorry.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title from Rosie Thomas, chapter title and lyrics from Snow Patrol.

* * *

_**is it too late to remind you how we were, but not our last days of silence, screaming, blur**_

It was late the next afternoon that Scotty heard the bedroom door open. Soft, uncertain footsteps headed in his direction, and when he looked up, Lilly was standing in the doorway.

One of his t-shirts hung loosely from her body, the blanket from the end of the bed draped around her shoulders.

"Is there any coffee?" she asked softly. Scotty nodded, his eyes sticking to hers. Clear blue, no alcohol haze or manic glint, only a deep pain.

As much as he hated the sadness in her eyes, this was _his _Lilly.

Having fixed her coffee – black with one sugar – she sat opposite him at the table, her lip trembling as she stared at the deep cut on his forehead.

"I don't remember..." she said sadly. Scotty pushed the remaining half of his pastry across the table.

"It's alright."

A silence descended over them. Lilly picked half-heartedly at the Danish on the plate, but after a while, pushed it back to him.

"Not hungry?" Scotty asked. She shook her head.

"Not hungry."

"I can make somethin' else if you want."

"I'm fine, Scotty. Really."

"Okay."

Lilly attempted a smile, a shadow of what Scotty knew she was capable of.

"Have you ever watched the waves crash on the sand?" she asked suddenly, her knees hugged to her chest. He nodded, and watched the smallest smile return to her face.

"You know how the wave comes," she continued, "and you can see it coming, but you don't know where to stand because you don't want to get wet...then it finally crashes, and all that's been building up inside happens at once and it's so...uncontrollable. And when the wave is heading back out to sea, and you're all wet because you just didn't see it coming, it's like everything has been drained. All that power, all that strength...but that's okay, because you know the next wave is coming, and this time you won't stand so close."

Scotty was silent as she came to a soft finish. After a moment, he knelt down in front of her, his knees protesting at the cold kitchen floor.

"I'm sorry you had to get wet," he replied quietly.

"I'm done feeling like I'm too far gone, Scotty," Lilly said quietly, "I don't want to be scared anymore."

They stayed like that, staring at each other with the breath catching in the back of their throats until the sharp crack of knuckles against the wood made them both jump. Lilly bit her lip so hard it began to bleed, and the sudden jerk of her knee sent the milk carton flying off the table.

"Shit!" Scotty exclaimed, wincing at the cold seeping through his clothes.

"I'm sorry," she stammered, flinching as he stood up. Seeing the color drain from her face, Scotty sighed heavily.

"Hey," he said gently, "look at me." It took her a moment, but she did. "It's fine, okay?"

Lilly nodded reluctantly.

"You better change," she replied softly. Scotty let his fingers brush over the top of her head.

"Just a minute," he called towards the door, "Just a minute."

Hearing Scotty's voice from the other side, Stillman took a deep breath as the lock clicked, speaking before it had even opened properly.

"Look, Scotty, about yesterday..."

The words caught in the back of his throat as Lilly peered around at him, her eyes wide in a mixture of uncertainty and amusement.

"Hey, boss," she said, biting down on her bottom lip as her stomach tightened in unwarranted fear.

"Lilly..." he replied in hushed surprise. She stood aside to let him in, and then shut the door behind him.

"Scotty's getting changed. There was...a mishap. With the milk."

Stillman watched a pink stain rise in her cheeks and a frown crease her brow, but somebody beat him to the reassurance.

"It slipped, Lil," Scotty said gently, "Wasn't your fault."

The lieutenant didn't miss the way Lilly no longer flinched from his touch, and wondered what had happened between his leaving the night before and now.

"Scotty..." Stillman began. The younger detective shook his head, gesturing for him to take a seat.

"Water under the bridge, boss. Really."

Their eyes met, and frowning, Lilly looked between them.

"What?" she asked anxiously. Stillman cleared his throat.

"I can't stay. I just wanted to ask how you were feeling?"

"Hungover," Lilly admitted with a faint smile. An awkward silence fell, until the lieutenant stepped towards the door.

"Well. You're...well, I'll see you."

"When?" she asked uncertainly. He paused.

"I don't know, Lil. Whenever."

She nodded, and watched as the two men stepped outside the door.

"I should have protected her, Scotty," Stillman admitted softly, shaking his head sadly, "I knew something wasn't right, but I let him near her anyway."

"Yeah, well. If you're to blame, then so am I, right?"

"Scotty, you can't blame your..." Realizing what he was about to say, and seeing that getting him to speak those words had been Scotty's intention all along, Stillman smiled slightly. "Call if you need me."

"Yes, boss," Scotty replied with a smirk. He shut the door, finding Lilly where they had left her, her arms wrapped around her waist.

"I think you need stitches," she said as he sank onto the sofa.

"I don't."

Lilly cleared her throat.

"So I need a shower," she stated. Scotty glanced at her in confusion.

"Okay. You have two to choose from."

There was a moment of silence, before she took a step towards him. He looked up at her.

"I don't want to be alone," she continued softly.

Nodding slowly, Scotty stood up. "What do you want me to do?" he asked.

"Just...talk to me?"

He nodded again, following her into the bathroom.

"Don't use up the hot water," he warned. She looked at him, arching an eyebrow, and he cracked a grin.

"Turn around."

Scotty felt his grin disappear.

"What?"

"Turn around."

"Lil..."

"Just do it," she snapped.

All traces of fun had disappeared, and feeling a familiar tightening in his chest, Scotty nodded. He heard her clothes hit the floor, heard her wince and then step behind the curtain. After a while, Lilly sighed heavily.

"I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not, Scotty," she said, the volume of her voice rising in her growing frustration, "I hate being like this. I hate not being in control of my emotions."

He did and said nothing.

"So how's your mom?" Lilly asked eventually, speaking above the volume of the water in a voice that gave nothing away. Scotty sat down on the close toilet seat.

"She's doin' okay."

There was a beat of silence.

"I miss her pie," Lilly added with a slight chuckle. Scotty laughed, swatting at the shower curtain.

"Yeah, well, maybe you play your cards..." He trailed off at the sharp intake of breath from the other side. "You alright?"

"I'm okay," Lilly replied, barely masking the waver in her voice, "Just a little sore."

Scotty hesitated, before pulling the curtain aside just enough to see. "You need anythin'?"

She stiffened, but instead of freaking out on him as he had expected, the blonde detective did nothing but shake her head.

"I just need to wash my hair, then I'm done."

Not wanting to push his luck, Scotty let the curtain fall back into place.

"Be careful o' that shampoo," he said, returning to a conversational tone that he knew would put her at ease, "You'll end up smellin' like me."

She laughed softly, then fell silent once more.

"Hey, Scotty?"

He smiled at her small voice, stretching his legs out in front of him.

"Yeah?"

She was silent for a moment, until a heavy sigh rattled the shower curtain.

"Do you think I would make a good mother?"

Scotty froze at the unexpected question, his mind racing to catch up with hers.

"I...I...yes."

She released what sounded to be a choked sob, and he got to his feet in concern.

"Lilly?"

"I'm sorry, it's just..."

She swallowed hard.

"The doctor said that I was pregnant," Lilly revealed in a whisper, "Ten weeks. They think the...attack..."

Scotty felt his jaw tighten, his fist clenching as he heard more tears escape.

"Fuck! The goddamn son of a bitch killed his own..."

And then he stopped. Ten weeks.

Jeremy hadn't been around ten weeks ago. The memory came flooding back.

_Lilly opened the door and blinked in surprise._

"_What are you doing here?"_

_Scotty shrugged sheepishly, scrubbing a hand through his hair._

"_I ain't really sure. I was jus'...can I come in?"_

"_Scotty...you can't just turn up anymore."_

"_Why not?" he challenged, and Lilly caught the faint whisky on his breath. She sighed._

"_Because..."_

"_Because we broke up, right? Look, I get it," he said, stepping closer, "really I do. But you're still my partner, an' this case was a bitch. I jus..."_

_His voice trailed off as Lilly opened the door wider, beckoning him in with a tilt of her head._

"_We can put on a movie," she offered as she closed the door. Scotty turned, suddenly finding the space between them much smaller than he had realized. Her eyes flicked to his, and he watched them darken to a familiar shade of navy with lust._

"_We can't," she murmured._

_As their lips collided, and clothes were shed, Scotty realized that the movie was never going to happen._

"Lil?" Scotty said, his voice wavering.

The water running from the shower came to a sudden stop. Her face appeared around the curtain, her eyes wide and her bottom lip trembling.

Water ran down her cheeks, her wet hair scraped away from her face.

"I'm so sorry," she said tearfully, "I just didn't know how to tell you."


	6. It Don't Matter To The Sun

A/N I'm so sorry for making you wait - I hope this is worth it! Thanks so much for all the reviews I've been getting. I really appreciate you all taking the time to let me know what you think! :]

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title, chapter title and song lyrics from Rosie Thomas.

* * *

_**this old world just keeps spinning round, spinning round, like it did the day before, cause to them it makes no difference, it just keeps on keeping time**_

There was silence.

After what seemed like forever, Scotty cleared the lump from his throat.

"We need to get you dry," he said quietly, wrapping a towel around her.

"What?"

"We need to get you dry. You're gonna get sick."

"Scotty..."

"Don't push me, Lilly. Get out of the damn shower."

She did as he asked, not knowing whether the dampness on her cheeks was due to the shower or her own tears.

"You haven't said anything," she whispered.

"About what?"

"About...about the..."

Scotty slowly rubbed his hands up and down her arms, drying the damp skin and warming her simultaneously.

"Turn around," he said. When Lilly made no move, he sighed, gently turning her himself. He reached for another towel, and standing behind her, began to dry her hair.

"Scotty..." she pleaded, pulling away, "why aren't you saying anything?"

Dropping the towel to the floor in defeat, Scotty shook his head.

"You just told me that you were pregnant wit' my kid. I don't know what you want from me right now."

"I want you to be angry with me!" she cried, more tears spilling over her eyes, "I want you to tell me that this is my fault, that I would have been an _awful_ mother, that...that I deserve what he did to me."

Lilly wiped a hand over her eyes, holding the towel keeping her warm tight against her chest.

"I want you to hate me," she continued, "because then I'll know that...that blaming myself...being mad at myself...isn't such a crazy thing to do."

"You want me to be angry? Fine, Lil, mission accomplished," Scotty shouted suddenly, "You broke my heart 'cause you got scared, an' then that put you in danger. That son of a bitch raped you, and killed **my** child! My child that I didn't know about until five minutes ago, because you couldn't handle tellin' me! So yeah. I'm angry. But bein' angry ain't gonna fix anythin'."

Breathing heavily, Scotty swallowed, taking a step towards her just as she finally lifted her gaze to his.

"I'm not angry at _you_," he whispered, "'cause it ain't your fault. An' when we get around to it, you'll be the best mother in the world. Nobody deserves what he did to you."

He let his hands fall to her waist, dipping his head to ensure she was looking at him.

"An' I could never hate you. Believe me, I tried. It's impossible."

"Oh, Scotty..." she said brokenly.

He pressed his face into her hair, holding her tight against him. When Lilly finally stopped shaking, Scotty kissed her forehead, his hands running up and down her spine.

"When did you find out?" he asked softly, feeling her shudder.

"I didn't know for certain until...but I..."

Hearing his partner struggling with tears again, Scotty moved a hand to the back of her head, cradling her into him.

"It's okay," he soothed in a whisper, "It'll be alright."

Lilly clutched at his neck, the rate of her sobs increasing.

"I lost our baby, Scotty," she sobbed. Tears dropped from both his cheeks and hers, cold and wet against the warmth of the room.

"I know..." he whispered, his voice choked, "I know."

The dark pit of loss at the bottom of his stomach grew, but Scotty no longer knew who he was mourning – the woman he fell in love with, or the child he didn't know he had. Closing his eyes, he held her until the tears stopped and the trembles subsided, his face pressed against her damp hair.

"Better?" Scotty asked. As if she no longer had them under her control, Lilly's hands moved over his shirt, never staying one place long enough for him to savour the touch.

"I need...I don't know..."

Scotty waited, knowing that all she needed right now was time. After a moment, Lilly took in a shaky breath.

"I'm going to lie down. I need to...clear my head."

He nodded, and followed her down the hall.

"Can I get you anythin'?"

"No thanks."

"When was the last time you ate?"

Taking her silence as an admission that it had been quite a while, Scotty lingered in the doorway, watching her crawl onto the bed and disappear beneath a bundle of covers.

"I'll order somethin'. Later on, I mean," he said.

He heard her voice in the instant before the door shut.

"Hey Scotty?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," Lilly said simply, her voice choked with tears.

Scotty stared at her, their eyes meeting unknowingly in the darkness. He cleared his throat.

"I'll be on the sofa."

* * *

Scotty lingered outside the closed door for a few seconds, then spun around, driving his clenched fist into the wall over and over again. Pain flowed through his wrist like a welcome river of relief, tears spilling over his eyes. Pictures of a child with honey blonde hair and bright blue eyes floated in and out of his mind, and Scotty jogged the few steps down the hall so that she wouldn't hear the broken sob that slipped from between his lips.

He didn't cry for long, but let the sobs rack his body as he sank to the kitchen floor, his head dropping to his knees. When it seemed like there was nothing left to give, Scotty hastily rubbed a hand over his now red and raw face to get rid of the tear tracks. He had barely started to look at the case files on the coffee table when he heard the bedroom door open, and breathing out slowly, rubbed his tired eyes.

Scotty felt the sofa dip. A face pressed up against his neck, a slim hand clutching at the material of his t-shirt. Lilly choked back a sob, curling her body into him.

After a moment, he moved her away, just enough for him to pull her more firmly into his lap. He lifted a piece of blonde hair from her damp cheek, his dark eyes holding hers.

"He's there every time I close my eyes," she explained around her tears.

Scotty hugged her to him, and as she tucked her head under his chin, ran a hand through her hair. Lilly moved against him, until her face was resting against his shoulder. Her leg slipped between his, her fingers tightening around his t-shirt when Scotty let his arms encircle her waist.

"Just breathe," he murmured, kissing her forehead. Lilly closed her eyes, feeling his steady heartbeat beneath her cheek, her body rising and falling with each of his breaths. He moved a hand up her back, feeling her muscles tighten under his touch.

Eventually, almost an hour later, her own breathing slowed and her eyes closed from the sheer exhaustion of trying to keep her head up. Scotty carefully readjusted her in his arms, moving her until she was curled into his side. He knew that she was going to be mad at herself for falling asleep, but seeing her small frame huddled on the sofa beside him, Scotty just didn't have the heart to wake her.

Not wanting to leave her, he stretched his legs out in front of him, resting his feet on the coffee table, and switched on the television. He wasn't sure how long had passed, but it was dark when Lilly began to stir.

"Hi," she said with a sleepy smile.

Scotty swept a strand of golden hair from her brow, letting his fingers linger over the still-fading

bruise.

"Hi."

Lilly sat up slowly, her eyes once again going to the jagged wound on his forehead.

"Can I get you some ice for that?" she asked, guilt clouding her tone. Scotty shook his head, giving her a lopsided smile.

"It's not so bad anymore."

A tentative hand touched the swollen lump, a frown marring her brow.

"But I don't think it's healing like it should..."

Scotty caught her hand.

"You're my priority," he reassured gently, "Everythin' else can wait. I can wait."

"For how long, Scotty?" Lilly replied softly, scared to look him in the eye in case it was the last time she could do so.

He lifted her chin, his fingers warm against her cool skin.

"Forever. For you, I can wait forever."

* * *

If you have a moment to review, that would be great! Any advice or suggestions are appreciated.


	7. Never Say Never

A/N I hate this story. It's turned out nothing like I wanted it to, and it's a pain in the ass to write. But I couldn't just leave it unfinished, so...I'm eternally grateful to all of you who are reading and reviewing - I feel so bad for not replying to each of you personally, but you gotta know that I really appreciate it! Oh yeah, and the Internal Affair cops are created by me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title from Rosie Thomas, chapter title and lyrics from The Fray.

**_

* * *

_**

_**falling in and out of love, ashamed and proud of, together all the while**_

It had been a week since Lilly had taken up temporary – or, as it was beginning to seem, not so temporary – residence with him. Like a wounded bird stretching its wings to return to flight, they had easily fallen back into living side by side with little problem. They no longer had a set routine - Lilly had good days, and she had bad days, the number of each confusing Scotty to the point of distraction.

Bad days. He shook his head. Bad days was not enough to describe the way her body trembled after waking up screaming, the way she flinched away from him if he moved too suddenly, the way she cried in the shower when she thought he couldn't hear.

The early morning sun crept in through the windows, settling on the furniture like a golden halo. Scotty leant against the kitchen counter, comfortable in his cotton lounge pants and an old t-shirt, taking pleasure in the easy silence as he consumed a bowl of cereal. Occasionally, his eyes would dart to the closed door of his bedroom, his entire being on standby should he need to reassure once more.

His line of thought was interrupted by a soft knocking, and his head immediately spun towards the bedroom. Realizing that no sound could be heard from within, Scotty frowned, and looked towards the front door. _What the…who the hell is at my door this early in the mornin'?_

He opened the door, frowning in confusion at the sight of the two people on his doorstep. A woman, slim and standing to just below Scotty's chin, smiled reassuringly. She pushed a chocolate strand of hair out of her face, giving him a small smile.

"Detective Scotty Valens?"

"Who wants to know?" he asked uncertainly.

The man beside her flipped open a badge.

"Agents Dan Jones, Misha Tucker. Internal Affairs."

"Rat squad jus' couldn't keep their noses out, huh?"

Tucker shifted uncomfortably. "Do you and your partner have a moment?"

Scotty hesitated, caught between opening the door to allow them in or just shutting it there and then. After a moment, he nodded.

"Lil's not available, so ya got me. 'Sides, we don't really do that well wit' IAB when we're together."

"So we've heard," Jones added with the barest hint of a grin.

"Bet you're lovin' this," Scotty muttered, shutting the front door.

The two exchanged sad glances.

"No, Detective Valens, we aren't," Tucker replied quietly, shaking her head. Jones shrugged his shoulders.

"If it was up to us, we wouldn't be here," he continued. Scotty stared at them for a moment, then sank into the armchair.

"Alright."

Tucker sat down on the sofa, folding one knee over the other and straightening the crease in her pants.

"Scotty...may I call you Scotty?" At his nod, she gave a brief smile. "Scotty, how long were you and Detective Rush engaged in a relationship outside the professional parameters?"

"Six months, almost seven," Scotty replied, "but you already knew that, right?"

It was Jones' turn to smile briefly, and Scotty wished all Internal Affairs rats could be like this.

"We know. We just needed to check. Why did you decide to end your relationship?"

Scotty hesitated, trying to think of a way to say that he **hadn't** ended it, Lilly had.

"Nothin' to do wit' the job," he replied eventually. Jones leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Have there been any changes in Detective Rush's behavior that suggests maybe she was struggling with something?"

"No, nothin'."

"I assume you have an opinion of recent incidents?" he asked.

The male detective shrugged, his mind instantly filled with the memory of rushing into the darkness to find Lilly and seeing nothing but red.

Tucker nodded, shutting her notebook and unfolding her legs at the realization that she wasn't going to get an answer.

"Scotty, we understand how hard this time must be for both of you. I hope..."

A shadow of something passed over her face, and Jones shifted in his seat, the lines of his brow tightening as he watched his partner. Scotty realized that there was probably a reason other than belief in innocence that made them so understanding.

As soon as the emotion had come, it was gone, and a sunny smile appeared in its place.

"You can relax," she said quietly, "we're here as a formality. Nobody is questioning anything regarding what happened to Detective Rush."

Jones smirked. "Let us stay for ten minutes, then we can leave and say you answered all of our questions, and there was nothing to be concerned about."

The ten minutes turned into fifteen, which soon became twenty of the most surreal moments of Scotty's career. If he had the chance, he realized, he would very much like to know them better. As soon as the door had shut behind them, as soon as be was alone again, Scotty had his cell phone in hand.

"Stillman."

"Boss, it's Scotty."

"Do you need me to come over?" the lieutenant asked immediately.

"No, I jus'...IAB jus' left."

"Ah."

There was silence for a moment, until Stillman spoke again.

"Who was it?"

"Tucker and Jones. I don't get it, boss. They were…nice. We talked about football."

Hearing the complete mystification in his detective's voice, Stillman sighed.

"Scotty, Misha Tucker and Dan Jones were involved in an incident a few months ago."

"What kinda incident?"

"There'd been a complaint of police brutality, so IAB sent Tucker to interview the doer launching the complaint."

Scotty waited for his boss to continue, leaning anxiously against the counter.

"I don't know the finer details, but had it not been for Jones' late arrival, Tucker may have found herself sharing more with Lilly than perhaps she would have liked."

Letting the implication of his words sink in, Stillman heard his detective's sharp intake of breath.

"You asked for them 'specially," Scotty realized, "'Cause you knew that would be the end o' it."

Stillman was silent, his lack of an answer confirmation enough.

"I hope today doesn't prove too difficult."

As the line disconnected in his ear, Scotty stared at the phone in confusion. Muttering a string of curses under his breath, he dropped the phone back into its cradle and moved silently along the corridor.

Scotty shut the bedroom door, silently stripping down to his boxers and making his way to the small chest of drawers.

"What did IAB want?" came the soft voice from behind him. Scotty turned his head.

"Didn't know you were awake."

Lilly rolled onto her side, curling her knees and resting her cheek on one arm.

"What did they want?"

He dropped the fresh boxers and vest to the end of the bed and went to sit beside her.

"They wanted to talk to me. Jus' checkin' some stuff."

Lilly was silent for a moment, thinking.

"I didn't mean to get you in trouble," she whispered. He smiled, dragging a gentle finger across her brow.

"You didn't."

Her eyes closed, an almost relaxed look stealing over her face.

"Thanks…for not making me talk to them," she continued. Scotty stood up, grabbing a pair of jeans and disappearing into the bathroom.

"I told you. Didn't know you were awake."

Lilly listened to the sound of clothes hitting the floor, and then Scotty was back in her line of vision, moving to collect the wife-beater from the bed. She turned her head, silently, and apprehensively, admiring the smooth skin covering the muscles of his back.

"Scotty?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you here?"

He pulled the vest over his head and stared at her, his brow creased in hurt confusion.

"Why am I here? You mean why am I botherin'? Why am I lettin' you stay in my apartment?"

Seeing that she'd wounded him unintentionally, Lilly shook her head fiercely.

"No! That's not what I meant!"

Hearing her distress, Scotty moved closer, taking her hand. She took a deep breath.

"Why haven't you gone back to work? I don't need you here anymore."

He arched an eyebrow. "You sure about that?"

She hesitated, her bottom lip disappearing between her teeth the only other sign of her apprehension.

"No," she answered eventually, "but I don't want you to get in trouble for not being there."

Scotty shrugged. "Boss signed me off on vacation time. No trouble."

The tightening of her grip on his hand was the only thing to tell him she wasn't convinced.

"I'll make a deal wit' you," he offered, and her eyes shot to his, "You call Dr Manning an' make an' appointment, I'll talk to Stillman 'bout workin'."

She attempted a laugh, but it came out more like a strangled gasp.

"I don't need to see Manning. I'm fine."

"Then I guess you're stuck wit' me for a while," he replied casually.

The silence that stretched between them seemed to go on forever, and Scotty didn't know whether it was a silence he should be concerned about or not.

"It's hit and miss," she said after a while, in a voice so soft he wasn't sure if he'd heard it, "the sadness. It's not just sadness, but...it's like...if it's really bad, it's like somebody cut off all the air to my lungs, and stole the part of me that can work through these things. I'm just worried that if I go back to work, I won't be the same cop I was before."

"Maybe you'll be a better one," Scotty pointed out gently.

Lilly nodded in renewed determination.

"Hand me the phone."

Chuckling to himself, Scotty did as she asked, watching her push in the number.

"You go get 'em, Lil."

She was wavering. Hearing it ringing, she hastily thrust the phone at him.

"I can't do it. I'm sorry."

Nodding, Scotty took the phone, but caught her hand to ensure she stayed beside him.

"This is Dr Manning."

"Doc, it's Scotty. Valens."

He heard the surprised intake of breath. "Scotty, hi. How are you?"

Lilly let out a long breath, and he nodded reluctantly.

"We're fine. It's jus'...Lil's got some questions. Can you fit us in?"

"Medical questions? Or questions that might need somebody with a degree in psychology?"

"You ain't got one o' them?" Scotty asked in confusion.

Manning chuckled.

"No, but if you leave it with me, I know somebody who does," she offered.

"What kinda somebody?"

"Somebody I've worked with for a long time. Tomorrow afternoon, 2pm?"

Beside him, Lilly nodded, and Scotty squeezed her hand.

"Sounds good. Thanks."

He put the phone down, and turned to find Lilly staring at the bandage wrapped tightly around his knuckles.

"What did you do?" she asked in concern. Scotty looked away.

"Nothin'."

A frown creased her brow.

"Give me your hand."

"Lil, it's nothin'..."

"Then you won't mind me having a look," she replied, reaching over to snatch his hand into her lap.

Scotty winced, but Lilly was already unwrapping the bandages with gentle ease. The cool air hit his injured hand, and he heard a sharp intake of breath from the blonde sitting beside him.

"Jesus, Scotty..."

His knuckles were bruised, swollen and black, with small cuts marring the skin in between. Lilly held his hand in hers, tenderly stroking her thumb over his wrist. She blew out a heavy sigh, then raised her narrowed eyes to his.

"When are you going to learn that punching walls is not an appropriate way to display anger?"

He blinked in surprise. "I don'…I didn't…"

"You're an idiot," she murmured, and the tone of her voice made him chuckle. Her glare grew more intense. "What's so funny?"

Scotty shook his head, grinning. "You tellin' me I'm an idiot. Sounds...well, it's good to hear."

Lilly looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

"You always used to call me an idiot. Even after we..."

"Hey, Scotty?" she said seriously.

"Yeah?"

Her fingers ghosted over his lips.

"You're an idiot."

* * *

Only two chapters left (thankfully!), but I hope you're enjoying it though I'm not! :]


	8. The Only Exception

A/N No excuses for the delay - I just kept putting it off because I didn't want to write it. This is the penultimate chapter, and thing really happens in it, but I guess it lays the foundation for the conversation where they work out their relationship.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title from Rosie Thomas, chapter title and lyrics from Paramore.

* * *

_**i had sworn to myself that i'm content with loneliness, because none of it was ever worth the risk**_

Scotty stopped in his kitchen doorway in surprise.

Hearing him, Lilly looked up, her face splitting into a shy smile.

"Good morning," she said, stirring a wooden spoon around a saucepan.

"Mornin'," he replied, still surprised. The blonde detective nodded to the phone.

"Dr Manning phoned to double check we're still okay for this afternoon. Sounded more concerned about you than me, and she wants you to call her back, whenever..."

"Hold on, hold on," Scotty interrupted with a chuckle, "What is this?"

Lilly's smile widened. "Cinnamon oatmeal, I hope."

"Lilly..." he warned good-naturedly, taking a step towards her. Her smile dimmed the slightest bit, and she shrugged.

"I don't know. I just...being back here, with you, after everything..." Another shrug. "I just felt like making oatmeal."

Scotty grinned. "So it ain't got nothin' to do wit' this bein' my favorite?"

Relieved that he wasn't going to push her further, Lilly turned away, her smile still strong.

"It is?" she said in mock surprise, "How about that."

"Nice," he replied, moving to stand next to her. His fingers itched to reach out, but Scotty kept them at his side, "You havin' some?"

She nodded, and he tilted his head to study her face.

"You sleep?" he asked gently. Lilly's smile disappeared, and she glanced up at him.

"No. Well, maybe a...no."

Her soft admittance wiped the smile from his face, and Scotty gave in to the temptation to wrap his fingers gently around her wrist. Lilly watched his hand move, closing her eyes at the soft caress.

"Nightmares?"

She nodded. "You never came," she revealed, "That night. I called you , but you never came."

Scotty ran his free hand over his jaw, letting go of her hand and taking a seat.

"I ain't been pushin' you into talkin'. I'm not gonna make you spill your heart, an' I ain't gonna force you into a relationship you ain't ready for." He paused. "But let me ask you somethin'."

Scotty waited for her to switch off the stove and take a seat. "When you took all those pills..."

The reaction was instantaneous - her eyes darkened, her hands began to tremble and what little color had appeared in her face drained away. Scotty pressed on.

"When you took those pills, what was runnin' through your head?"

Lilly turned from him, her blonde hair blocking his view of her face.

"Did you jus' wanna stop the pain? Or...was that really what the doctors said it was? Was that you..."

The words trailed off as Lilly shook her head, leaving the kitchen to seek refuge in the bedroom. Dropping his spoon to the table to follow after her in frustration, Scotty threw the bedroom door open.

"Hey!" he yelled, "Don't walk away from me!"

Lilly spun around.

"I don't understand why you're mad at me!"

"I ain't! I jus'...I wanna know what I'm dealin' with!"

She scoffed, moving to the bathroom.

"'What you're dealin' with'?" she echoed, "Scotty, what you're dealin' with is me!"

"Yeah, because that's so fuckin' easy," he shot back, and winced as her eyes widened slightly, "Wait, Lil..."

The door shut behind her, and running a tired hand over his face, Scotty realized that maybe solitude wasn't such a bad thing.

* * *

He had promised to never leave her, and despite the ice-cold silence between them, Scotty told her again that he would wait outside while she spoke to the doctor. Lilly gave him a final glance over her shoulder, before disappearing into the room and shutting the door.

Not ten seconds later, she flew out of the room, stumbling into his arms.

"I can't do it," she gasped, "I can't do it."

"It's okay," he reassured, as all the animosity between them dissolved, "He can't hurt you anymore."

Her eyes stuck to his, Lilly felt her breathing even out to match his, and eventually nodded.

"I'm sorry. I should be better at this by now."

"Lil, you ain't got nothin' to apologize for," Scotty replied, falling into the now routine exchange, "Ain't no way you can put a timeline on dealin'. Okay?"

"Okay," she agreed with a meek smile.

Still holding her hand tightly in his, Scotty tapped on the door.

"It's okay, Scotty. Come on in."

He all but dragged Lilly into the room. Dr Manning got to her feet, and for the first time, Scotty noticed the fourth person in her office. The man standing to one side was tall, taller than Scotty, and muscular, his crisp white shirt stretched over firm biceps and a broad chest.

Doing nothing to hide the suspicious once-over his eyes were performing, Scotty felt his jaw tighten. He pulled Lilly behind him, and the blonde man smiled reassuringly.

Sensing the tension in the atmosphere, Dr Manning cleared her throat.

"Lilly, Scotty, this is Jackson Manning."

Lilly's grip tightened on her partner's hand, feeling the man fix her with a curious stare.

"Manning?" Scotty challenged roughly. The doctor nodded.

"My husband. He's the one with the psychology degree."

"You a doctor?" the male detective asked guardedly. Jackson Manning nodded once, his lips drawn into a thin line.

Seeing the barely concealed curiosity on Lilly's face, the doctor cleared her throat.

"Dr Manning also served in Kosovo and Desert Storm, with two tours in Iraq. I assure you, he's more than familiar with post-traumatic stress."

Her reassurance took Scotty by surprise, and he nodded reluctantly, his fists clenched at his side.

"So, Lilly, how are you feeling?" the female doctor asked.

"Why do you ask that?" Lilly said sharply, "Do you think it's easy to tell? I don't know! I have no idea."

"It's hard to tell them apart, huh?" Jackson said casually, the first thing he'd said since they'd arrived. She stared at him in surprise, and he continued.

"Do you have trouble working out what you're supposed to feel at a particular moment?"

Lilly nodded uneasily, relieved that this stranger wasn't just saying she was crazy. He sat down, resting his elbows on his knees.

"I think…" he began slowly, "That I need to speak with Detective Rush. Alone."

Scotty straightened, his fist clenching.

"No," he said bluntly. The blonde beside him squeezed his hand in a mixture of gratitude and reassurance. Ignoring Scotty, Jackson cocked his head, staring at her.

"Lilly?" he asked softly. She swallowed, nodding.

"I want him to be here."

"Are you sure about that?"

"She said she wants me here," Scotty snapped.

Once again, Jackson focused on Lilly.

"So when I ask you if you want children following your miscarriage, you're okay with him hearing what you say?"

Her silence was more than enough to take as an answer, and Scotty heard his own sharp intake of breath. Dr Manning pushed him towards the door, but he wouldn't move, his dark eyes locked on Lilly.

"Scotty," she said sharply. It took a moment for her tone to register as not taking any shit, and when it did, Scotty let go of the breath he had been holding.

"Yeah," he muttered, disappearing out of the door.

Helplessly, because it was painfully clear that they were no longer calling the shots, Lilly watched him leave, her chest tightening as the door shut. There was a moment of silence, before Jackson waved a hand at the empty chair.

"Have a seat."

Lilly eased herself into the seat, her blue eyes fixed on the man moving to a nearby chair. Glancing at her, he spun the chair around, sitting down on it.

"You look uncomfortable, Lilly."

She shifted, her throat tightening.

"Where did they say they were going? I don't think..."

"Do you think I'm going to hurt you, Lilly? You've only just met me."

"But..."

He leant forward, elbows resting on his knees.

"Look, you're a detective. A good one, from what I hear. I know you think that every man you're alone with is a potential threat, but we're really not."

"I know, but..."

Jackson shook his head, cutting off her protest.

"Why don't you have a problem being alone with Scotty?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Because I know he won't hurt me."

"How?" he shot back.

Lilly gaped at him, her mouth floundering as she struggled for an answer. She didn't know how she was certain Scotty wouldn't hurt her. She just…was.

He sat back in satisfaction.

"Because your mind has already made that distinction between Scotty being a threat, and Scotty being somebody that you trust implicitly. And yes, I did use that word because it makes me sound smarter."

Any other time and she would have laughed at the proud half-smile on his face. Now, Lilly did nothing but shift in her seat, her grip tightening for a second, before relaxing on the arm of the chair.

"I love Scotty," she began, in a voice so quiet he had to strain to hear it, "I really do. But…I'm worried that every time we…"

Her voice trailed off uncomfortably. Jackson cleared his throat, saving her from further embarrassment.

"Every time you're intimate?"

Lilly nodded. "What if all I feel is _him_?" she whispered, "_Forcing_ me."

He was silent for a moment.

"Okay," he said eventually, "Here's what I'm gonna do. I can't give you the answers you're looking for, I can only show you how to find them yourself. You have a major block to get over, a huge mountain to climb. And I can help you with that. So me and you, we will be meeting once a week. Love it or hate it, I'm your new therapist."

Lilly stared at him.

"What?" she asked stupidly. Jack grinned, and she couldn't help but notice that his smile made the room that much brighter.

"Therapy. Once a week, me and you, talking through whatever issues you wake up with on a Thursday morning."

Lilly blinked, wondering why the idea of spilling her soul to a stranger didn't make her insides squirm like it should, like it had done every other time.

"But..." She wanted to tell him that it was a mistake: getting inside her head meant trust, and that was a whole new kettle of fish. "I can't afford therapy."

She almost slapped a palm to her forehead.

"I mean...that's not what I wanted to say..."

"Figured," he laughed, standing up as there was a knock at the door, "Come in."

Dr Manning opened the door, Scotty hovering behind her, and blew a stray curl from her face.

"Done?"

Jackson nodded.

"Done. Take a walk?" he said, looking between Lilly and his wife, "I wanna talk to Scotty."

"Sure," the doctor replied, "Lilly?"

"Yeah."

Following them out of the office and waiting until he was certain they were out of hearing range, Jackson turned to Scotty.

"When was the last time you told you loved her?"

Scotty blinked. "What?"

"You heard me."

"I don't know...maybe...I don't know."

The blonde man pushed himself off the wall.

"Does she know that you're in this until the end?" he asked casually. Scotty spun around.

"What the...damn right I'm in this 'till the end!"

Jackson sighed heavily.

"I know that. It's written all over your face. But does **she** know that? Have you come right out and said 'You know what? This sucks, and at some point you're gonna hate me, but I don't care. I am in this.' Have you said that?"

The air seemed to leave Scotty at once, and he sunk back against the wall.

"No," he admitted, "I ain't said that."

Jackson shrugged. "So maybe it's not her that's gotta make the first move?"

Hearing two female voices round the corner towards them, Jackson Manning gave a brief smile, then disappeared back into his wife's office, the door closing on him just as the women in question returned. Much to Scotty's surprise, Lilly's lips were curved into a relaxed smile, everything about her screaming that she was more at ease now than she had been before.

"Hey," she said, expelling the greeting on a breath of relieved air, "can we go now?"

Scotty nodded. "You gotta refill your prescription."

"Dammit," she muttered, turning on her heel towards the pharmacy. Her partner watched her retreating form, then glanced at the white coated woman standing to his right.

"She doin' okay?"

Dr Manning folded her arms, an eyebrow lifting in critical observation.

"I'm more concerned about you," she answered. Scotty shook his head.

"Why? Ain't me you're supposed to be lookin' out for."

"But Lilly has you," Manning said quietly, and he flinched, "Lilly has you to count on when she needs to deal. Who do you have?"

It was by some God given solace that Lilly chose that moment to return.

Manning smiled, and nodded once. "Well. I'll see you, detective."

She followed her husband's footsteps into her office, and Scotty breathed a sigh of relief. He attempted a smile as Lilly came to a stop beside him.

"Okay?" he asked, praying that she couldn't hear the crack in his voice. Lilly nodded, walking down the corridor beside him.

"I think I'm hungry. You know what I feel like?"

"What?"

"A pizza." At his surprised chuckle, she smiled. "One of those huge, greasy, too-much-sauce pizzas."

Hearing the contentment in her voice, Scotty felt his smile fade. When he fell silent, Lilly turned, and the male detective took the chance to take her hands between his own, gently pulling her to a stop.

"Scotty, what…?"

"I'm sorry 'bout this mornin'. I don't know…I didn't mean anythin'."

"Figured," she replied with a small smile.

He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles, gently squeezing her hands between his own.

"Somethin' good has gotta come from this," he said, his voice quietly forceful, "Let it be me, Lil. Let it be me."

She stared at him, shifting in discomfort. "What are you saying, Scotty? Are you...?"

He nodded. "Give us another chance. We can be good, Lil, you know we can."

Her mouth floundered, caught between shock and acceptance.

"Okay..."

Scotty blinked. "What?"

A shy smile spread across his partner's face.

"Okay."

He grinned. "Okay," he echoed.

Lilly ducked her head away, a pink stain rising in her cheeks.

"But I still want that pizza."

* * *

Read and review! :]


	9. Not Afraid

A/N I'm so sorry - I had many reasons for taking so long, including no inspiration, the urge to get it as close to perfect as I could, and I also forgot about it... So I'm still not happy with it, but I think I managed to bring it to a suitable end.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case or any of its characters. Jeremy is a character created only for sole purposes of this story. Story title from Rosie Thomas, chapter title and lyrics from Eminem.

* * *

_**we'll walk this road together, through the storm, whatever weather, cold or warm**_

For both Lilly and Scotty, time went either very fast or incredibly slow, and before they could register the turning of the calendar, four weeks had passed.

"Scotty!" Lilly said in frustration, "You forgot to get more coffee!"

"I'm sorry! I'll do it on my way home!"

Smiling as she realized his apartment had quickly become 'home' for both of them, Lilly moved along the hall to his bedroom, bypassing her own to tap on the door. She looked around the edge to send him a small smile.

"Can I come in?"

Scotty blinked in surprise, tightening the towel around his waist.

"Sure," he replied. She edged towards him, and folded her arms around herself, perching uncertainly on the bed.

"What kind of day is it?" Scotty asked after a moment, knowing it was a question his partner hated, but wanting to ask it anyway. Lilly shrugged, her sessions with Jackson Manning teaching her that the truth was a far more powerful healing agent than deception.

"It's an okay day. I guess more of a good day."

He nodded, scrubbing a hand through his wet hair.

"You got anythin' planned for tonight?"

The blonde detective watched as a water droplet rolled down his chest.

"No. Why?"

"I thought we could maybe go for a drive. There's something I want to show you."

"Show me?"

"Yeah. I can probably get away by five, so I figure we can get somethin' to eat then go?"

Lilly hesitated. "Can we get pizza?"

"Yeah, Lil. I'll bring it home," Scotty laughed, watching a smile split her face.

"Good. I'll be ready at 5:30."

"I said..."

"I know," Lilly replied in amusement, "but since when are you on time?"

* * *

Having spent the morning cleaning, Lilly collapsed on her bed in relief, her whole body relaxing into the sheets. Sleep claimed her quickly, and when her eyes finally opened, it was to Scotty leaning casually against the doorframe.

"Hi," he said with a grin.

"Hi," she replied sleepily, sending him a soft smile, "When did you get back?"

"A few minutes ago," he said in a hushed tone, "Can I...?" Scotty left the question hanging, because Lilly was already nodding, beckoning him closer. He moved to sit beside her on the bed, taking her hand between his own.

"Watching me sleep?" Lilly teased, her voice hoarse from misuse. He squeezed her hand.

"Like I got somethin' better to do?"

She laughed, and sat up. "What time is it?"

"A little after five," Scotty replied with a proud smile. Lilly rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, okay, I'm impressed."

Swinging her legs out from under the covers, forcing him to move, she sniffed the air. Her eyes narrowed.

"I don't smell pizza."

Scotty chuckled, tossing her a sweater and a pair of jeans. "It's waitin' in the car. Get movin'."

Ten minutes later and Lilly had her feet resting on the dashboard of his car, a slice of pizza in her hand.

"So why the need for speed?" she asked.

"No reason," he replied simply.

She remained silent for the rest of the journey, all ninety minutes of it, until they finally pulled into a small drive at the side of the road. The pizza lay discarded in the backseat as her brow tightened in concern.

"Scotty, I don't...I can't..."

Hearing the tight worry in her voice, Scotty turned towards her.

"You ain't got nothin' to worry about, ya hear?"

Stamping down on the fear clenching at her stomach, Lilly nodded, and followed him out of the car. She'd never been particularly fond of the hours when it was neither night or day – for the first time in a long time, having Scotty around didn't help.

Leading her about a mile into the trees, Scotty felt her small hand slide into his, and he squeezed it gently. Lilly shivered.

"Where are we going?"

"Ain't much further."

They reached the edge of the trees, and she gasped. A lake stretched out before her, dusky sunlight reflecting off the calm water, the sandy banks still and undisturbed.

It was beautiful.

Seeing the stunned look on her face, Scotty chuckled, squeezing her hand again and tugging her forward.

"Come on. Sun's goin' down."

"Where are we?" she asked in awe as he led her down the slope towards a small jetty.

"When we were kids, Mike an' I used to fish here. After Mike was...when things got rough, it became our spot. You know, to hang out without bein' watched over or somethin'."

They sat on the edge of the dock, their legs hanging over.

"I'm really glad you brought me here," Lilly said quietly. Scotty turned his head towards her, a crooked smile hanging from his lips.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Lilly's eyes were fixed straight ahead as she spoke.

"There's so much that's missing, Scotty. Dr Manning said that was normal, that things would come back. And I have all these...questions, but no answers."

"You know I'll help you whatever way I can, right?" Scotty said. She nodded, finally glancing up at him and feeling safer than she had in a long time.

"I know. But even you won't be able to tell me _why_."

"Maybe that's jus' somethin' that you're gonna have to live wit' not knowin'," he replied, "'cause God knows I ain't got a clue."

Lilly chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes dark.

"Would you have been there?" she asked.

"For what?"

"If...if I hadn't lost the baby? If I'd broken up with Jeremy."

The use of her attacker's first name, free from hesitation and fear, blew Scotty away. He let out a long breath of air.

"Would you have wanted me?"

"Yes."

"Then I woulda been there."

"It's that simple?" Lilly questioned doubtfully. He chuckled, his arm squeezing around her shoulders.

"It really is."

She studied his face, from the way his hair stuck up all the way down to the crease in his chin. Letting her gaze wander back up, Lilly wasn't surprised to find his dark eyes waiting for hers.

"Why are we here, Scotty?"

He took a deep breath. "We ain't had the talk 'bout what happens next. You wanna go back to work, I get that. But what if you ain't ready?"

"You don't think I've thought of that? You don't think I'm fully aware that it's going to be even harder than it ever was before?"

Her frustration was greeted with silence, and Lilly stared at him as he pulled his leg up, lifting the bottom of his jeans to reveal his off-duty weapon strapped to his ankle.

"What are you doing?" she asked, frantically trying to quell the panic rising up inside her.

Scotty reached for her hand, and used the other to pull the gun free. He gently held it out to her. Lilly shied away from it, her wide eyes darting between the weapon and his reassuring smile.

"What are you doing?" she repeated, and her partner was pleased to hear the tremor leave her voice.

"Givin' you back your control," he replied simply.

Seeing her confusion, he continued.

"Last time you shot one o' these, you lost somethin' you loved. After...after you were shot, I spent hours tryin' to get myself to pick up the gun again. Knew that if I couldn't, I ain't got no business bein' a cop. Went down to the range, but every time I went to pull the trigger, kept replayin' what happened, an' I couldn't do it."

He was fully aware that Lilly was staring at him incredulously, her eyes wide in sympathy and disbelief. Scotty shrugged, tossing a rock into the lake and watching the ripples disturb the calm.

"Took me three days to finally pull the trigger, an' two months after that to stop seein' you lyin' there each time. I was down at the range every night for twelve weeks after the shootin', jus' workin' through the fear of fuckin' up."

As his words ran dry, a silence stretched between them, broken only by the water lapping against the rocks.

"I didn't know," Lilly said after a while. Scotty squeezed her other hand.

"Didn't want you to."

Helping her up, he handed her the weapon, his fingers curling around hers as it sat in her hand. Lilly stared at it, its weight familiar and rough against her palm.

She aimed it out over the water, flinching at the smell of gunpowder that reached her nostrils. Suddenly she was back in her living room, Jeremy's breath hot on her face, his hips pushing against hers, his hands hard against her soft curves.

"I'm right here," Scotty whispered, not daring to breath as he cautiously wrapped his arms around her from behind. Breathing in his clean scent, Lilly leant back against him for a brief second, then straightened.

She could do this. She was Lilly Rush.

* * *

Putting the car in park and unbuckling his seat belt, Scotty took her hand, tangling his fingers around hers and resting them on his leg.

"You sure you wanna do this?"

Lilly nodded, before slowly leaning over to press a soft kiss to his cheek, brushing her nose against his.

"I'm sure."

Opening the car door, the slight chill in the air cooled the heat rising in her face, and Lilly shut it behind her. She moved towards the house they were parked in front of, but got no further than a couple of steps when a hand caught hers.

"I wanna come," Scotty said, breathless from the sudden exertion of chasing after her, "I know this is somethin' you gotta do by yourself, but dammit, Lil, I love you! An' I wanna be there for you."

Lilly watched him run through his rant, a smile hovering on her lips.

"Okay," she said simply. He blinked.

"That's it? You ain't gonna make me get into some pointless argument wit' you?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Why?" he questioned in confusion, her hand still hanging lightly in his own. Lilly's smile turned soft.

"Because I love you too. I always have."

Scotty would never be able to explain how happy he felt in that moment. Instead, knowing there was no way she could ever understand how much she meant to him, he squeezed her hand, nodding his understanding.

Walking hand in hand up the front path, Lilly climbed the few steps and raised her hand to knock. Muted voices reached their ears, but still neither of them felt the urge to turn around and leave.

Eventually, John Stillman opened the door.

Lilly stood on the front step. Her eyes were clear blue as they met his.

"I was raped," she stated, "and then I shot my rapist boyfriend. Three times. I came close to a breakdown and I'm in love with my partner. But I'm ready."

Stillman watched Scotty unashamedly take her hand in his. The lieutenant looked from one solemn face to the other, and nodded once.

"Okay."

Lilly released a long sigh of relief.

"I think you've got something that belongs to me," she said quietly. Stillman nodded again, and disappeared inside.

A moment later he returned. He still hesitated.

"Can you do this?"

Lilly nodded again, the smallest smile curving the corner of her mouth. "I can."

Stillman gently rested a hand on her arm.

"You know I can only bring you back on desk duty for a while, right?"

"I know," she replied, nodding and taking her badge from him.

Stillman gave her elbow a gentle squeeze.

"It's good to have you back."

* * *

A/N Some of you may be unhappy with the ending, but I wanted to show that there is always hope. I also have something of an announcement to make, one I know many of you will hate me for. The end of this story marks by retirement from writing for Cold Case. The passing of time and the cancelling of the show make it increasingly hard to find motivation to continue with these characters, and I feel that I've stretched them as far as they are willing to go. This decision has nothing to do with my readers – I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for following my Cold Case stories from the very beginning. In the distant future I may return to my writing roots, but for now, it's goodbye.

It's been a pleasure.

FloatingAmoeba


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